Memoirs of a Chipmunk Rancher

In the previous calendar year Santa Barbarians have taken up all kinds of new functions.

In the previous calendar year Santa Barbarians have taken up all kinds of new functions. We bake bread, make wine (or consume wine while looking through about baking bread), we deal with up our residence (or just talk about fixing up our property more than a glass of wine), and we can ultimately delight in a stroll down Point out Street with no stressing about acquiring hit by a motor vehicle (although, of study course, now we have to get worried about finding strike by some stoner named Doug using his bicycle erratically throughout the middle line though loudly singing “Don’t Prevent Believin’”).

Now, all of these are entertaining pursuits (specifically for Doug) – but, besides ingesting wine, I did not genuinely pursue any of them. What I did do was turn into a Chipmunk Rancher. I’m sharing my experiences now just before I ignore what I acquired mainly because my memory is starting to fade – I can scarcely bear in mind which wine I drank past night time. Or this afternoon.

Chipmunk Ranching is not for the faint-hearted. In fact, no exercise is for the faint-hearted. By its very definition, just about any exercise will eliminate a faint-hearted man or woman. But Chipmunk Ranching is for just about anyone else. You don’t have to be potent, or sensible, or even know something about Chipmunks to be productive at it. Maybe you can see why I was quickly captivated to this career.

Starting up a Chipmunk Ranch is quite basic. All you want are Chipmunks – which character offers in abundance in Santa Barbara – and some land. And you actually really do not want that a lot land simply because Munks aren’t that significant. The small measurement of a Chipmunk Ranch would make it extremely Santa Barbara helpful for the reason that an regular size yard in our town is about as massive as a card table with two chairs. If you do come about to have a substantial property – like one particular that can fit four chairs – that’s even better.

The only other detail you require is some meals to draw in Munks to your ranch. You have most likely by now mentioned that specialist ranchers simply call their livestock Munks. You may well have also pointed out that I applied the generic term “food” simply because Munks will consume just about anything at all. So you really do not have to go to Lazy Acres to get an order of Kung Pow Tofu. At minimum not for them.

Experienced ranchers feed Munks primarily seeds, nuts, and lettuce. Lettuce is healthy for them and you can watch them maintain it in their paws and take in the leaf’s edges like ears of corn, row by row. Then a bird’s shadow flashes across the floor and instantly a dozen munching Munks scatter as speedy as voices in the wind, vanishing into bushes and hedges devoid of leaving a whisper. At that second you will uncover oneself alone in a silent eerie emptiness unlike something that you have at any time knowledgeable. Other than for the time you had been at the James Joyce right after closing, achieved for another handful of peanuts, and then appeared up and instantly recognized that anyone else in the once-packed bar had absent household.

The working day-to-day running of a Chipmunk Ranch is straightforward and be concerned-free of charge. For example, breeding Munks is not tricky. They fairly substantially take treatment of that on their own. All you want to do is what you do at a Santa Barbara intersection when four autos at the same time get there at its four end signs: just wait around.

Branding is out of the dilemma. Because it is correct that, if animal-loving Santa Barbarians found out that you experienced burned a symbol onto the skin of a small furry creature, they would increase up, pitchforks and scented candles in hand, and travel you out of town (in a Prius, of course). It is also genuine that you can not catch Munks. These stripe-suited creatures twitch their tails, jerk their heads, and jitter and dart all around like they are starring in a Japanese anime festival at SBIFF. By the way, a lot of ranchers think that Munks encouraged those traditional anime haircuts.

Also, there is no have to have to tag your very little livestock since there are no Munk rustlers. No one will sneak via your non-existent fences and steal your Munks. Consequently, there will be no require for you to kind a posse. Except, of training course, you reside in Montecito and want to go out to meal.

There is no herding, wrangling, or round-ups in Chipmunk Ranching. You can attempt herding Munks, but I’d evaluate it to making an attempt to herd all the drunk holidaymakers aimlessly wandering all around city on a Saturday night into the Funk Zone, and then inquiring: To what reason? And considering the fact that there is no sensible or even illogical reply to that issue – never bother herding Munks. Or drunks.

As for wrangling – if you actually want to remain up all evening imagining of means to prepare your Munks, enable me preserve you some time: use foods. You can coach them to prevent and take in foodstuff. Imagine me, I have finished it.

And why do a round-up? Do you want to try out to depend your Munks? FYI, that is about as probable as attempting to rely wine-tasting rooms in Santa Barbara – they seem and vanish so rapid you can in no way get an correct range.

Munks’ main predators are hawks. But hawks want pigeons and doves. And if you are insane ample to put seeds and nuts on the floor for your Munks, then you will also have all the pigeons and doves you are going to ever will need to feed the hawks.

You ought to be informed that Munks talk with each other by squeaking. You can convey to who is talking due to the fact they twitch their tails as they communicate. Hardly ever change your backs on them when they are squeaking. No a person understands what they are stating.

Do NOT individualize your Munks. You will anthropomorphize them and get started to form attachments to them. So, whatever you do, DO NOT Title THEM. The mornings when Braveheart does not display up makes me worried for his protection. I connect with him Braveheart because he is the very first to demonstrate up every feeding and comes closest to my feet. I imagine he trusts me. Rocky – the one who eats the organic and natural romaine I place on the rock – and Smiley – the just one who poses for the camera – generally demonstrate up at the very same time. I believe they could possibly be a pair but they could also just be finest good friends.

At this point you might be inquiring oneself what fiscal advantage there is to Chipmunk Ranching. The remedy is, after all over again, really easy: there is none. Thus there is no want to simply call your accountant, consult with your company supervisor or satisfy with your banker for a loan – you’ll under no circumstances have to fret about generating any dollars being a Chipmunk Rancher. In truth, it is equivalent to remaining a author – it’s plenty of enjoyable just as very long as you do not think you are ever going to make a dwelling at it. The pleasure of observing innocent creatures thrive doesn’t have a price tag tag. Until they get into your residence.

For individuals who might dismiss the effect of Chipmunks on human society, I refer you to Eli Grobers’ speculative piece in the New Yorker on 7/29/2021, in which he describes the outcome of local weather adjust on the 2876 Olympics as consisting of  humans “sprinting absent from huge, radioactive chipmunks.” He then provides apocalyptically, “Who knew that chipmunks would one day rule the earth?”

So, for all of you, a word of tips – be kind to our ubiquitous squeaky furry tiny buddies. You by no means know who’s heading to run things. But, frankly, I’m not worried – I have obtained Braveheart on my facet.